Warning: this post is a rant ? a rant, to be specific, about that heavily overused word ?relationship?.
Of course, I?m well aware that ?being in a relationship? is just the latest euphemism for being ? how shall I say it? ? ?romantically involved? with someone. When I was a teenager, if you wanted to be ?romantically involved? with a girl, you asked her to ?go out? with you. Do teens nowadays ask someone ?will you be in a relationship with me?? I have no idea, given that it?s thirty-four years since I was a teenager, but it wouldn?t surprise me.
After all, that?s the language Facebook uses! When you join Facebook, one of the categories it asks you to fill out is ?relationship status?. You get to be ?single?, ?in a relationship?, ?married?, ?divorced?, etc. etc. And just to clarify matters, in case any other Facebook user would like to be ?in a relationship? with you, you can specify whether you?re ?interested in men?, ?interested in women?, or ?interested in women and men?.
Now, personally, I find both men and women infinitely interesting, and I have to admit that I?ve been ?in a relationship? with at least one man for fifty-three years. That man, of course, is my Dad, who is over eighty now and rather frail; our relationship, however, is as strong as it ever was. ?And yes, I?m also ?in a relationship? with my Mum ? after all, I literally lived inside her for nine months, after which she fed me and bathed me and changed my dirty diapers, and (later on) worried about my romantic escapades and made sure I did my homework and told me when I needed a haircut. I got off the phone with her a few hours ago, and she assured me (as she does after every phone call) that she loves me, so I guess we?re still ?in a relationship?! Make of that what you will, Mark Zuckerberg!
Furthermore, according to Ancestry.co.uk, I?m ?in a relationship? with a man who has been dead for three hundred years. His name was Will Tayler, and he was born in the village of Earl Shilton, Leicestershire, in the year 1664. There?s a little button you can click on Ancestry to discover what a person?s ?relationship to you? is; apparently old Will is my ?8th great grandfather?. How?s that for a long-lasting relationship!
The creators of Facebook, of course, are simply reflecting the popular usage, so maybe it?s not fair for me to go after them as if they?re entirely to blame for this absurd linguistic reductionism by which a word which used to mean (according to my OED) ?the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected? now means ?we went out to Starbucks together a couple of times and kissed in the car afterwards?. But seriously, Mr. Zuckerberg ? ?interested in women and men?? I do blame you for that one! (Not to mention the hilarious phenomenon ? which I observed myself ? of a musician greeting a fan at a gig by saying, ?I don?t think we?ve met before ? are we ?friends???)
What do I dislike about this usage apart from the fact that it?s so linguistically reductionistic? I think it?s the passivity of the phrase that bugs me the most. No matter how hard you try, you can?t turn ?being in a relationship? into an active verb without making it hopelessly vague. ?I?m going out with her?, ?I love her?, ?I proposed to her?, ?I married her? ? these phrases all use good, strong, active verbs. ?I relate to her?? That seems somehow ridiculously noncommittal (and maybe modern ?relationships? are ridiculously noncommittal, for all I know) ? especially when compared to these wonderful ?phrases:??Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her, and forsaking all others? be faithful to her as long as you shall live?? ?I will?. Nothing vague or passive about that, thank God, although the way some people treat their marriage vows these days, it?s obvious that they?re taking their cues from Facebook rather than the Book of Common Prayer!
Well, I?m currently ?in a relationship? with a gazillion germs who made me cough and splutter, to the point that I had to leave my relationship with my bed and take up a new relationship with the couch for a while in order to preserve my relationship with my wife, who is working today and so needs her sleep. However, I sense that it?s about time to renew my relationship with my bed, so I will now break my relationship with you, gentle reader, and attempt to make up with my pillow. Until next time?
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Family man, pastor, storyteller, musician, songwriter. E-mail me at tim dot chesterton at gmail dot comrush limbaugh rush limbaugh dionne warwick patricia heaton arsenic and old lace leslie varez ward
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